Over the Edge

I think everyone has things they do not understand, questions they cannot answer, and things they have stumbled upon at one point or anther which bother them.  Most devout message believers will take those things and “put them on the shelf”.

I confess I have done this over the years.   Usually it was little things such as Enoch hanging around the ark or the Earth being square.  It was easy at one time to excuse them as humanity or lack of education.

I’ve heard them argue,  “God’s prophets don’t make mistakes.”  I’ve heard them follow through with, “That wasn’t thus saith the Lord” or “Not everything he said was the message.

Excuses.

You can reason anything, twist it any which way you want to make it say what you need it to say in order to stay in your comfort zone.  I tried to.  I tried really hard to.

When I first heard of the cloud issue, I came up with my very own “remedy” to settle the discrepancy.  Of course, God showed things in the heavens before He did anything on Earth, and if you calculated it just right, the five or seven angels were only waiting on him for 10 minutes in God’s time. In a cloud drifting east… a couple hundred miles away… from where he actually was…

(I later read something about cognitive dissonance, which summed my “remedy” up quite well.)

I took all of the discrepancies, questions, concerns, failed visions, and everything else that bothered me and I placed them on my shelf one at a time, nicely and neatly.  They sat gathering dust waiting for me to gather enough revelation to look through them again.

Then one day as I was sticking yet another discrepancy on my shelf, the shelf began to rock and sway, toppling over, it fell right on top of me.  I found myself surrounded by discrepancies and questions, making it difficult to even breathe.  My mind was spinning so quickly that it hurt to think.

I had been pushed over the edge.

Call it the straw that broke the camel’s back, the icing on the cake, my one last nerve, or whatever works for you.  I had reached my breaking point.

I would lay awake at night unable to sleep with my thoughts going round and round in my head unable to stop them.  I slept fitfully, awaking from dreams mixed with quotes, questions, and every Bible scripture I had read that day.  I was restless, anxious, overwhelmed, and stressed.  It seemed the only thing that brought me peace was searching for answers.

Even though I can pinpoint the moment I was pushed over the edge, and remember exactly what I was reading and thinking, I cannot do the same for the transition from turmoil to peace.  Somewhere along the way, the many discrepancies and errors turned from chaos to confirmation.

Human emotion ceases to leave me.  Bewilderment and disappointment always seem to come knocking with each new thing I find.  I say I’m not surprised, but that’s only after I’ve read it at least twice.  Often I just shake my head, “Really?”  Other times, I need to walk away.

Where once something was so heavy, I couldn’t carry it, the need to is now gone.  The restless nights have slipped away and in their place I now have something I only thought I had before.

Hello, my name is regret
I’m pretty sure we have met
Every single day of your life
I’m the whisper inside
That won’t let you forget
Hello, my name is defeat
I know you recognize me
Just when you think you can win
I’ll drag you right back down again
‘Til you’ve lost all belief
These are the voices, these are the lies
And I have believed them, for the very last time
Hello, my name is child of the one true King
I’ve been saved, I’ve been changed, and I have been set free
“Amazing Grace” is the song I sing
Hello, my name is child of the one true King
I am no longer defined
By all the wreckage behind
The one who makes all things new
Has proven it’s true
Just take a look at my life
What love the Father has lavished upon us
That we should be called His children
I am a child of the one true King

-Matthew West

2 thoughts on “Over the Edge

  1. What can I say. “Amen.” I went from putting questions on the shelf, to asking questions, to not having answers, to have some answers, to now being okay with knowing a little and knowing how little it is, and how much is left to know. It’s OK.
    I’ve been changed. I am no longer defined by all the wreckage behind. I AM A CHILD OF THE ONE TRUE KING, and that is enough.

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