I reached a place in my walk, where I became broken. I felt so vulnerable. I was scared and I couldn’t see what He was doing. At that time, I just wanted answers.
I first wanted answers that lined up with what I knew, my own thinking. I wanted God to back me up. This was the beginning of my brokenness. Desperation set in. I couldn’t find what I was looking for, so I began to ask for anything. “Lord, you told me to ask and you promised to answer, you told me to knock, and you would open the door.”
I had to be in a place that when He answered me, I could receive it, whatever it may be. He prepared me to receive an answer despite what I wanted the answer to be or thought it already was. I couldn’t see what He was doing, but as His answers came they brought peace and the courage to face another day.
I asked for truth. He gave it to me. It wasn’t what I was expecting, and it was hard to accept it. I can’t say I didn’t try to push it away or reject it, I did. But He kept bringing it back to me over and over. I started to feel like a child at the dinner table. It wasn’t what I wanted, but when you get hungry enough; you will eat it.
I guess being human we can’t help but ask “Why”? Sometimes we don’t know, but we just believe there is a purpose. We don’t understand but we trust Him. We know trials help us grow; they build our faith and mold our character. This trial, seemed to have no end in sight and my question of why grew stronger each day. I prayed, “Lord, I can’t see what you are doing. I don’t understand but, I trust you and I know you are with me. I believe your word, help my unbelief.”
That was my prayer for months. All the while things were surfacing and coming up before me. Feelings of anger, bitterness, past hurts and heartaches, memories of things I hadn’t thought about in years. Words would tumble out and catch me completely off guard, “Where on earth did that come from?”
When God breaks us, everything we are holding inside of us begins to spill out. It’s a flood of emotions and they rise up one by one. Circumstances and words that hurt us, the moments that we buried deep inside of us never wanting to think about again begin to tumble out. Sometimes they come as an emotional outburst; other times it’s something someone else is going through that you are relating to. However they may come, God is bringing them forward in His time and He tells us, “I want to heal that”.
Broken. Let it all spill out, empty everything you’ve held inside. Let go of the weight you have carried. You might try to hold onto it, but He steps in and takes it from you. You may think you’ve got this- I’m here to tell you, you don’t.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.” Jeremiah 29
You think you understand. You think you know. You think you have it all figured out; you in your own understanding. You have all the answers, you already know what is right. You begin to walk and push forward and your weight gets heavier and heavier until you are so bogged down you can’t go any further. All the while, He has been walking beside you saying, “Let me take that, let me carry that for you.”
But you aren’t listening to Him. You are too busy giving all the answers, making your point, defending your stand, you can’t hear Him. Did He not tell us to be still, that we might know that He is God?
Pride holds all that inside. Pride speaks back and says, “No, I got it.”
Grace walks beside our pride and waits for us to fall. It picks us up and carries us. It takes all of our broken pieces, heals us, sets us back on our feet, and goes before us. With each shaky step it’s ready to catch us like a safety net. It surrounds us.
With each step strength finds us. Not our strength, His. We couldn’t go any further. We fell. We cried out, “God! I can’t do this. Please, take this. Help my unbelief.”
Courage brings another step. This is just where He wants us. Broken. Dependent upon Him, and in need of all He wants to give us. He can’t fill you up and set out His plans for your life until He empties you out. We are so full of ourselves there isn’t any room for Jesus. We have our own path, our own ideas, and our own plans.
“For I know the plans I have for you!”
Jesus set this example for us, “Not my will but Your will”. Jesus was broken. He gave everything; He submitted His will to the Father completely. Jesus demonstrated what we are called to. God can’t use us when we think we are strong. God can’t move in our lives when we are so full of pride and callused over with hard hearts. We must be broken and emptied out.
In that emptiness and vulnerability we can say, “What do you want for me?” We can offer Him everything we are, all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength. What do you give a God who has everything? He wants you, all of you; broken and empty, and ready to be filled with His plan for you.
When you can say to Him, “Lord I have nothing to give you but me, I am nothing. I don’t deserve you, but I need you. I can’t do this without you. Lord, I’m human, I’m weak, and I need you. I don’t want anything but you. Be real to me, reveal yourself to me. I’m so unworthy Lord, I have nothing to offer you but me, use me Lord. Let me serve you.” You are just where He wants you to be. You are weak, that in your weakness He can be your strength. You have nothing, that He can be your supplier. You give Him you, that He can use you as He desires and planned from the beginning.
You are called for this moment to be placed into His body, under His headship. You are called to serve Him. You are called to be an active member of the body of Christ. If you aren’t active, you aren’t living. There isn’t a part of your body that would want to see inactive or dead. I don’t care if it’s your toenail. You think that’s insignificant? Go ahead and rip it off.
You are His that He might use you. Let Him be glorified in your life. Surrender to all He has for you and serve Him. Become broken before Him, let Him empty you out and heal you so He can fill you up again.
You aren’t happenstance, you aren’t an accident, you aren’t insignificant; you are created for a purpose. He knew you before the world began; He has called you by name. “For I know the plans I have for you.” There is no age discrimination with Christ. You are neither male nor female. You were created for a purpose; He has a plan for your life.
David said, “My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.”
If you are asking why, if you are feeling broken; this is the beginning of healing. This is the beginning of restoration. This is the beginning of an awakening.